Another soundtrack

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Traveling, traveling, traveling
Looking for something, what can it be
Oh I hate you some, I hate you some
I love you some
Oh I love you when I forget about me

Listening to Blue by Joni Mitchell takes me back to my dorm room at College 5 at UC Santa Cruz. That was before our college was mature enough to actually have its very own name and not just a number. My solo dorm room was one of the top floor rooms, with vaulted (albeit cement) ceilings and some enterprising student had built some bookcases into the wall. My room didn't feature the (entirely illegal) loft of my freshman year, but it was cozy and had a lovely view of our woods-covered campus.

Deborah Barker introduced me to Blue and Constant Comet tea. We would sit in her dorm room, listening to Joni and savagely criticize other people. Deborah also dragged me to the local Arty cinema to see The Children of Paradise and nodded sagely when I sobbed all the way back to the campus.

Most people called her Debby; I was the only one who could call her Deborah and get away with it. I always liked calling people by their complete names rather than nicknames, and Deborah thought her name sounded "different" when I said it.

Deborah was there when I made my feeble attempt at suicide; in fact, our relationship was a major factor in my depression. Her anger at me, and mine at her proved too strong for our friendship to endure and we parted. We would encounter each other in the halls and pathways around the Arts buildings; it was just like meeting up with an ex-boyfriend. Somewhere in my correspondance box from that time is a bitter and very long letter she sent me. Romantic breakups have never had quite the same passion as Deborah's and my breakup.

After I left UCSC, I got a letter from her. It was a strange letter, almost as if none of the things that had passed had actually occurred. We got together a few times and it was almost like before. Except it wasn't.

I haven't seen or heard of her in more than twenty years, but she does linger. Especially when there's a mug of tea at my elbow and Joni Mitchell's voice soars.

All I really really want our love to do
Is to bring out the best in me and in you too
All I really really want our love to do
Is to bring out the best in me and in you